man i was such an obnoxious little shit at rop today i hate myself. the more i tried to reign it in and just stfu my mouth would open and /things/ would come out like where did the words come from why were they at all. i’m mortified especially by a joke i made that i had no idea why like jfc i never say shit like that and i offended my friend and i tried to apologize but i got awkward about it and tried to brush it off all the while screaming at myself to just //apologize goddammit//

waiting until tomorrow afternoon to apologize in person these will be the longest hours of my life

All I want to do is die. I’m just so tired all of the time, of forcing my eyes to stay open and see, of making my body continue when it has grown so heavy with every little thing. I feel pathetic about it, weak, but never guilty. I’m not ashamed of the feeling I’m ashamed of the need that comes with it, of the dependency I have upon it. It consumes me until it is all that exists and I am nowhere to be found. It pushes me passed desperate. I’m so frantic and hysterical at these times, but I can’t let that feeling out I have to lock it away in my ribs and pray it doesn’t come back to haunt me, pray that maybe I smothered it out of existence and I can live and breathe again. 

All I want is to live. I want to feel the warmth of the sun and not the ever present chill that clings to me with fluttering fingers. Or the overwhelming sickly heat of fever.

There is no in between. 

I want to laugh and be able to do homework and make friends. I want to sit up tall in class and raise my hand and start discussions; I want to show how smart I can be once I fight passed the hazy fog that’s taken up residence in my mind.

I want to be able to take my sweater off and not worry about the lumpy appearance from my binder, or the swell of my hips popping out. I want to rip the static of anxiety that runs just below my skin, and release the screams I’ve kept locked up somewhere inside of me. I don’t know where I find the room, I’m so full of anger and anguish you’d think I’d have reached my capacity.

But there is always room for more pain to stuff down.

I’m alive in the early hours of the morning, when the house is still and clean air sweeps through the window. When my room is dark except for the light from my screen and I’m distracted by the sounds from my headphones.

I want to stay in those moments, those fleeting hours. I never want to leave. And why would I- why would I choose to subject myself to the torment of leaving the confines of my bed, of my room, of safety.

I want to live but I want to die more. I want to die but I want to save myself first and foremost. I just don’t know how. I don’t know if I ever will.

i missed school today because of being stranded at the gas station for the flat we got on the freeway for almost 3 hours and by the time i got home there was no way i was getting my homework done (—not to mention car accidents are pretty triggering for me and i was emotionally wiped after a fender almost smashing through my side of the car). now i’m getting my ~visitor~~~ and i knew it was coming but they get so bad i am literally out of commission for an entire day that is how bad the cramps (and everything else) get. i just don’t want to miss another freaking day of school i can’t keep doing this i don’t want my parents to get in trouble because of me

i feel like so much shit. to add to my crippling anxiety i am also getting sick so i feel like shit all the time in every way now isn’t that gr8. my mom is also not letting me stay home from school anymore despite the fact i have mini breakdowns just thinking about getting up in the morning and nearly start crying when she practically pushes me out of the car ahaha isn’t that just.

i feel like a bratty, whiny 5 year old who hasn’t adjusted to school yet despite being in it for 12 years at this point. you’d think i’d get used to it but idk. generally my anxiety calms down after i deal with p.e (which is both horrible in that it is incredibly gender based and i am forced to play in girl teams and use the girl’s locker room) and the fact that several kids in my pe class are also in my other classes where i am known exclusively as jordan. i also have to deal w my pe teacher who can’t seem to call me by jordan even though we’ve talked about it so many times i fucking just. 

like she’ll call me by my given name basically all the time and make me feel like shit, but then use jordan once or twice in the worst possible situations and so very loudly. i have lost count of how many times i have gotten so dysphoric to the point where i revert into a severely depressed and suicidal ideation-state of mind and wonder why i am even trying.

(we are also playing on all girls and all boys teams and guess which team she put me on. i am honestly considering just ditching first period the whole unit we play basketball like fuck this bullshit i’m failing the class anyway because of my absences and non-suits in the beg.? what do i care about at this fucking point?)

after first period though (it had to be fucking first period i fucking swear) i get a credit recovery class to calm down during and browse the internet, after which i am thrown into another class where my teacher can’t seem to get my name right and filled with students who really know me from before so what’s the point in trying there either.

i have psych after that which isn’t bad honestly. i have ten or so minutes to chill and finish any hw while listening to my ipod before the teacher starts class, and he does a rotation to check homework and i am literally the second to last person’s homework he checks can you say paradise? he calls me jordan and uses the right pronouns even though a good chunk of the time my dysphoria gets the better of me and i am nothing more than an increasingly fidgety, squeaky, hulking, fat, awkward bundle of awkward. he only messed up pronouns twice if i remember correctly but he brushed it off so quick and was so whatever-oops-what-a-weird you would typically see the once or twice a teacher does that to a cis student. bless him.

then geometry is after lunch and i just feel so awkward in it? my desk feels 12x too small and is pushed up against the wall and it has that bar thing that blocks out the other opening on the side and it’s so uncomfortable. by this point in the day my binder is rolling up bad and i’m uncomfortable and sweaty and feel more lumpy and disgusting than usual. people stare. it’s horrible.

my last class is government with one of my favorite teachers of all time liKE he is just so chill and gr10 and he gives you so many chances to get your shit together and he’s so understanding. uGH. i would love his class 1000k more if at this point at the last period i’m an even more sweaty im-going-to-throw-up-uncomfortable anxious mess.

anyway

i just felt like ranting idk. i don’t hate school itself, just the experiences i had/will have/ and am having there. i’m having panic attacks almost every week because i’m so stressed/exhausted/uncomfortable/panicked. i don’t remember a time when school wasn’t that for me. i swear, if i could go to the alternative school i went to in sophomore year i would have all As and some Bs instead of the Fs and one B+ in government. i would be so comfortable, even though i wouldn’t/couldn’t go as jordan like that would bug me 0% i wouldn’t really mind it, only on my worse days. 

what was holding me back before was the thought of leaving in the middle of a school year AGAIN only to maybe come back the last semester hopefully, and disappointing my friends, but at this point i really couldn’t care less? my friends have each other and don’t need me. they have inside jokes and tell each other everything before me, or not even tell me things at all and i only hear about it because they assume i know or talk about it near me. that may sound shitty but i’m not bitter (much) about it. i know this is the result of missing so much school/leaving all the time, i get that. it sucks yeah but it’s also a relief because i don’t need to worry about them as much. things are so uncomfortable with them now it would be for the best. i’m pretty sure i mostly just annoy them at this point. 

my main concern about transferring, aside from maybe not being able to because i need to a doctor’s note to do so and we don’t have insurance until december, is not being able to transfer back to catch the dredges of my last semester at colony. i would literally only be going back to be able to go to grad night and maybe walk (as this is seeming like an impossibility for me at this point with how things are going) but i don’t even really care about that anymore. like it would seriously suck so bad to miss out on that but i could at least go during the day and maybe work something out with my school for the evening. the thought of walking doesn’t feel appealing to me either all that much anymore. maybe the symbolism of it, the finality, does a little bit but i remember what it was like when my sister graduated and it was long and boring and i don’t want to go through that again really.

at this point i don’t even care anymore. i want to graduate someway, somehow and i don’t really care as long as i get there with the rest of my class, even if it’s not at the same school. i used to (and still do) feel overshadowed and overwhelmed by my sister and the amazing achievements (As, honor roll i think, those special tassle and rob thing for her grad ceremony, e impeccable grades in college, her outgoingness, her humor, her ability to talk and be around people, her family) but…. i don’t know.i’m so tired. i spend so much of my energy into not killing myself, or giving in and cutting myself so deep i hit muscle, that i don’t have anything left to care about school or any of it anymore. i’ve been depressed for so long, for most of my life i literally do not know how to function outside of it. laying in bed, having so many intense and horrible emotions that my entire chest and throat hurt, crying and laying in bed all day, staring vacantly at walls, hating myself, feeling disgusting and like a shitty horrible child to my parents and person in general? i don’t know what life is like outside of that. i don’t know how to function outside of that.

and either i live my dream of not needing to go to school and being able to stay home, sleep, and be on the internet all day come true, or i learn how to function outside of my depression.